I see posts on facebook that discuss the 15 Habits To Teach Your Teenage Daughter or 10 Things You Need To Know To Raise Sons. I see these and I used to read them but after awhile I decided that I don't need another reminder of what I am NOT doing correctly when it comes to parenting. Usually after reading them I don't feel any better or encouraged about the job that I am doing raising three kids by myself.
Let's face it, my kids are almost "raised" so to speak. Jake is 17 and will be finishing his senior year in high school this year; Jenna is 14 (going on 24) and rarely wants to spend time with me or hear my opinion. I still have some time left with Jon Keeton but even at age 9 he lives in his own world and he'd rather listen to his friends and older siblings than his mom. They have reached that age where listening to mom goes in one ear and out the other most of the time. I'm reminded of the school teacher voice on Charlie Brown and I am convinced that is what my kids hear when I speak.
My dad told me as a young mom that there would come a time when my kids would begin to drift away from me. "Gaby, they won't always need you/listen to you like they do when they are little. So you need to teach the important stuff early, when you have their full attention." He said that all to soon they would begin to get distracted by friends and the noise of the outside world. He reminded me that now was the time to instill in them the "big stuff" in life - knowing right from wrong, meaning of family, love, support, manners, honesty, compassion, kindness, and empathy. "Teach them these things now Gaby, and you will create a foundation on which they can grow. This stuff they will take with them wherever they go and in whatever they do."
And he was right. They don't really listen to me that much anymore. They of course know I am here for them and love them but right now they'd rather discuss the details of their lives with each other and their friends. I get that. I also accept it. I know I am not here to be their friend but to be their parent. And honestly I don't really care who is dating whom, what the latest new video game craze is, or what shoes everyone in high school is wearing. I don't have the time for that, but I do always have the time for them.
As a new school year begins and my kids move up to the next grade level, the same old doubts begin to emerge and I question myself on how I am doing raising them. Did I tell them about this? Should I have let them do that? What if they forget to do this? I should have reminded them about that! It is never ending unfortunately. I worry. A lot.
But thankfully amid the worrying and the reminding I see ... Jake return an extra dollar that was given to him by mistake at the bank; Jenna choosing to stand beside a friend who is going through a life changing event while others judge and bully; Jon Keeton on the football field offering a hand and encouraging word to a fallen team mate.
Through out our chaotic busy lives I've caught a glimpse of ... Jake shaking hands with people he meets for the first time and introducing himself; Jenna saying please and thank you to the waitress when ordering food; Jon Keeton holding the door open for me and then continue to hold it so that others can come through. Little moments of the big stuff that make my heart smile and for a instance the worrying gets put on pause. They remembered - and without me reminding them. I am a proud mom and I know my dad is too.
Now my kids make mistakes, bad choices and misbehave - they are still kids after all. I still have to remind them of their curfew, to clean their rooms and to do their homework. Sometimes I also have to remind them of the big stuff again ... Be nice to your brother/sister/friend; Be thankful you have a car/tv/clothes; Remember to say thank you/please/yes ma'am. I know I still have some "raising" left to do with them. However, as they make their way to new classes, meet new friends and have new experiences I am grateful that some stuff seems to have stuck.
Thanks Dad for telling me to teach the "big stuff" so that as my kids grow up and move away from me they will always have a solid foundation on which to stand.
Today would have been my 20th wedding anniversary ... if I had chosen to stay married to Jake and Jenna's dad. Wow … 20 years! So many choices I have made in these past 20 years. Some good ones and some not so good ones. Some were thought out and calculated choices, while others were made in a quick moment in time. Most were my own choices but there were times when other peoples decisions created a situation were I was forced to make a choice.
I would often call my dad when big life choices arose and seek his wisdom. I recall the first big decision I made on my own. It was my sophomore year in college and I decided to change my major. I was scared to call my dad and tell him that the plan had changed. I was nervous he wouldn't approve of my choice. So ... one late evening in the Thomas Cooper Library, on a pay phone, I called home - collect. (No cell phones back then). My parents accepted the charges and I commenced with the normal, routine chit chat with my mom. Then Dad got on the phone. I answered his standard questions. Yes - I am studying. Yes - I am eating. No - I don't NEED any money (but I WANTED some). No - I wasn't partying every night (just every OTHER night). "Anything else to report Gaby?" my dad asked. I paused, took a deep breath and told him that I was changing my major and had decided on advertising and marketing. There was only silence on the other end. "Will you still graduate on time?" was the only question he finally asked. I assured him that I would and that I had thought long and hard about it. This is what I wanted. "Well Gaby, that is why you are there at college. To figure out what it is you want to do." He proceeded to tell me that this was my choice to make and reminded me that it was alright to veer off the planned route if needed. He explained that my choices in life will steer me down many different paths and that along the way I will make some well planned out choices and other times I will have to make decisions on the spot. "Just remember no matter the choice, or the outcome, own your decision. These choices are yours. Don't look back. Life's to short. Have no regrets Gaby."
I remember flying home just days before my 30th birthday with two small children in tow, having just made the difficult decision to become a single mom. Dad wasn't exactly thrilled about that choice, but there he was at the airport with open arms. As we walked through the airport, Jenna in a baby sling and Jake in a stroller, he looked at me and I could see the concern on his face. I could tell he wasn't happy about my choice. "No regrets Gaby?" he questioned. I stopped in the middle of the airport and looked at him and then down at my kids, and said "No Dad. Not today. Not with these two." He smiled and hugged me and just said "OK. Let's go home."
The choices I have made throughout my life, I am sure are not ones that many people would choose. Someone once said to me ... "I would never want to live your journey, it's been way too hard." At first I was slightly offended but then soon realized that yep, she was right, it would be too hard, for her. She couldn't handle my journey or my choices. They were all mine. And yes, the journey was hard at times but it was also funny, sweet, kind, loving and just plain happy most of the time.
People often ask me if I regret being divorced, twice. I used to stumble over that question and get embarrassed but now I can honestly just answer no. I explain that I certainly did not plan for it to go that way, but in the end I wouldn't want it any other way. For if I had experienced a different journey or made other choices then I would not have three beautiful, silly, funny, kind, loving, and wonderful children. The best three choices I ever made. The three choices of which I am the most proud.
Thanks Dad. You were right. Life is short. These choices are mine. I'm not looking back. No regrets!
I usually use this space to write about the great stuff my dad taught me and the truth of the matter is that for all the wonderful things he did, he also did some not so wonderful things too. These are moments that I would much rather not remember but they are indeed still lessons after all, mainly the lesson of "do as I say not as I do" variety.
Coming to the realization that my dad wasn't perfect was difficult. And even though his mistakes hurt me or disappointed me, most of the time they usually were not about me at all. I learned as the older I got that my parents weren't just mom and dad. They were individuals and had experiences that went beyond just taking care of me. I learned and discovered that their journey through life was filled with some mistakes and failures but it was also filled with successes and triumphs. Through it all, I always felt loved, I always felt important and I always felt safe.
I have had my share of bad choices, mistakes and failures and I am sure I will continue to make more. Dad would often tell me that it's not the mistake you need to concentrate on it is learning from it and not making the same mistake again. He would give me a hug and say "Do better Gaby. Let's not dwell on the mistake." He would remind me that even if you fail at one thing it doesn't make you a failure. He would also remind me that with every choice there is always a consequence, good or bad. And I would often pay the consequence and sometimes it was painful. He also taught me that no matter the choices, the mistakes, or the failures that I make in life I do not have to let them define me or take away from "the good stuff" in my life.
I know I have disappointed my children and at one time or another my choices in life have affected them.
So to my kids I say these 10 things:
I am not perfect.
I will disappoint you.
I will make bad choices sometimes.
I will fail at certain things.
I am sorry if my choices hurt you.
I am always going to be your mom.
I chose to have you and you are the best choice I have ever made.
I will always be proud to call you my child.
I will always be here.
I will always love you.
Even after all the bad choices and the bad mistakes … even after realizing that my parents were much more than just mom and dad, the take away is that I never once in my life did not feel important. I just hope that my three kids know that no matter the mistakes I make, in the end they realize how important they are to me. That they know, no matter what, that I will always love them. Because no matter the circumstances in my life, I always knew that I had a place to call home.
To Jake, Jenna and Jon Keeton please know that my heart is your home and that will never change. You can always always come back home!
