Go pursue your dreams!

Tonight I had to say good bye to my dearest friend as she embarks on a new journey, and tomorrow I have to do it all over again with another dear friend. They are both off to pursue their dreams, to follow their path, to shine their light on another part of the world. We all have dreams and we all have people around us that encourage and support those dreams. For me that person was my dad.

For I dreamed as a young girl of being many things ... but most seriously about being a photographer, a photographer for Life magazine. I started collecting Life magazines and would stare at the photos dreaming about being able to do what those photographers could do ... capture a story in one single picture. Of course, this was back in the day when we didn't have digital cameras and had to buy rolls of film and then send them off and wait days to see what image you had actually captured. We had some inexpensive camera I would carry around and snap pictures of everything and everybody, honing my craft I'd like to call it, but more often than not I was just wasting film (money). But my parents finally took me seriously and invested in a fancy (expensive) 35 mm camera and I was thrilled. It was the acknowledgement that I needed from them that they not only believed in me but also believed that I was somewhat competent. One year on my birthday, I received several expensive lenses to use with the camera and was told to "Go pursue your dream Gaby." I overheard someone say as I unwrapped the gift, "I sure hope she makes a career of this, for those are some pricey toys." To this day I will never forget what my father said in response ... "Well, even if she doesn't become a world famous photographer, she should have the opportunity to pursue her dreams, big or small. It isn't about the money, it's about encouraging her to dream. And giving her the opportunity to follow that dream as far as she wants." In that exact moment I remember not only feeling that the pressure was off but I also knew that no matter what happened and whomever I "became" I knew my dad thought I was good enough to invest in and actually believed that my dreams, no matter what they were, would come true.

Well ... I didn't become a world famous photographer ... and along the way some of my other "dreams" did not come true ... but all the while I never forgot that moment in my life when having a dream was scary and I was anxious about pursuing it, and there through it all was my dad giving me the encouragement to proceed, no matter the outcome. "Don't ever stop dreaming Gaby. For when you do, you will lose your way, you will lose your light."

So, when my kids come to me with some new sport they want to pursue, some new career that want to have, some new invention they think will change the world,  I try not roll my eyes or think about how much this is going to cost but instead, I remember a time when I had a dream and I had a person who believed in me. So, I smile and say ok ... if you want this then lets make this happen. And as I look around my house tonight, I could just see drums, guitars, flutes and keyboards clutter a corner of my house. I could only see football helmets, lacrosse sticks and gymnastic leos piled on the floor or also just see art pieces hung on my walls but instead I am happy to see lots and lots of dreams encouraged. Some of them might not be who they become and more often than not they are left forgotten to collect dust. But it all makes it worthwhile the moment my son sits down once again at those drums and gets lost in the beat, or the instant I catch my daughter doing a back flip in the backyard and mouthing the word "yes!", or even when my youngest son simply grabs a football and goes outside to practice his throw. In those moments, I see that the encouragement wasn't wasted, that their light hasn't been lost, it is still shining.

So tonight as I sit with a box full of journals, stories and pictures, tons of pictures, that were once my dreams, I can begin to see my light once again shine. Thanks dad for always seeing the light within me and reminding me it still shines, even when I thought it had faded.

Play with the small hurts

Over the past few weeks we have experienced a few small hurts right here at home. Jenna sprained her ankle - ended up on crutches. Jake fractured his shoulder - arm in a sling. I just started a new workout program, (bootcamp of all things) and just after 3 days, I hurt! We all hurt. Hurt in places we didn't know it was possible to hurt. It has been tough. And through all the hurt, the first words I found myself saying to all of us were ... Yes, I know it hurts, but you know what, you gotta learn to "play with the small hurts".

That is what my dad used to say. For when anything painful happened, my dad would tell us these exact words ... "play with the small hurts". That is what he said ... often. Whenever we complained about exercise, injuries, field hockey or even when life seemed to hand us down an answer that just plain hurt: a position on the team we didn't get; a boyfriend that broke up with us; a grade we felt we didn't deserve; a friend that had turned on us ... whatever the "hurt", dad would just say ... "play with the small hurts". It usually started out about something athletic or sports related but somehow he managed to turn it into a life lesson that stuck with us. I hear these words echo inside my head every time I begin to hurt.

So, when the "big hurts" came and came they did, and sometimes all at once, I heard these words once again rattle around my brain.  And during that time, there were moments when the hurt seemed impossible, unsurmountable, and even unforgiveable and I really just felt like quitting, I'd hear my dads voice reminding me that the only thing I needed to do was to fall back on his words and know that if I continued to play though it, then I would eventually get past it.

"Play with the small hurts Gaby! For when you do, you will be better and stronger and wiser because of them. You will be better at the game, because you played though the hurt, you got past the pain. You will be a better athlete, a better friend, and most importantly a better person because of it".

So when the hurt becomes a little more painful than you would like to bear, remember to play through the hurt, knowing that when you do you will become a better person on the other side.

Thanks Dad, for teaching me to "play with the small hurts".

For the times they are a changin'

Change is hard. In my life of almost 42 years, there has been lots of change. Let's see: I have changed my hairstyle numerous times - long, short, permed, straight - I've done it all and probably have pictures to prove it; I have changed jobs at least 8 times, just since I graduated from college; I have changed husbands 2 times, and lets not even count the boyfriends; And I have moved and lived in 6 different states, 2 foreign countries and too many to count, dorms, apartments and houses. In fact the longest I have lived anywhere as an adult is in this house, right here in Irmo, SC ... 8 years. But even though I have lived here the longest, the most change has occurred right here. I've lost a parent, divorced a husband, raised 3 kids alone, and changed jobs 3 times and that's just the "big stuff". Lots of change internally as well. Yes ... change is hard and scary. I have to admit I am not a fan of change. 

I think change scares me because I fear the unknown and I have no control. You see, I like things scheduled, organized, predictable … me in control. I have lived this way for about 20 years now.  I have a calendar that I carry around with me – everywhere. I always have and I clearly remember when this started for me.  My freshman year at Carolina – with my first Mortar Board. Now, I’m not sure if USC still has them, but for me it became my life. I looked forwarded to getting one each school year – writing in events, birthdays, even school work. It had my life mapped out, planned, organized. I looked forward to the end of the week when I could fold down the page and know that it was complete. I had followed “the plan”, crossed off my “to dos”. It was the schedule of my life. I relished in buying a new calendar each year and as the years went by they became more detailed, each day now had time slots not just a block of white space.  I could plan my life out in 30 minute increments – how fantastic! I was a happy girl. So there I went through life, planning, organizing, and scheduling.  And I was good at it. I had my check list, my plan for life and as the years went by I began to check things off my list. Graduate from college – Check. Get married – check. Have 2 kids – check. I even scheduled my pregnancies. I had this thing called life figured out.  Even after my first divorce I still felt like I was somewhat in control. This was just a slight bump in the road. I could plan around this. So back to my calendar and lists I went. Move back home – check. Find a job – check. Buy a house – check.  I kept my calendar close and continued to plan my life, for I was in control. 

Well ... we all know how that works out. I learned quickly that trying to schedule life certainly didn't stop it from changing. Change it did. ALOT! And I now know that it will continue to change, sometimes for the good and sometimes for the bad. And through it all, I hear my dad's voice reminding me that without change we would fail to grow. "Gaby the only thing constant in life is change. You can't stop it and you can't control it. So you gotta learn to embrace it and just try learn from it. Change isn't a bad thing. Change gives us the opportunity to grow and learn. Just remember it is the only thing you can count on. Even Bob Dylan sang ... 'For the times they are a-changin'." 

Thanks again Dad, for that lesson. Still a hard one to learn but through all the changes I have experienced I am certain that one thing will never change ... I'll always be your little girl.